Someone commented that it has been circulating for a month - I saw a draft version of it, then, about 12 years ago! Date: Wed, 20 Aug 1997 09:10:19 -0400 (EDT) Subject: AF Job security DEPARTMENT OF THE AIR FORCE MEMORANDUM FOR ALL PERSONNEL SUBJECT: Reduction in Forces. 1. Once again, as a result of the reduced funding available in the FY97 and FY98 budgets, we are forced to significantly down-size our forces. 2. Under the guidelines we have received from HQ AFMPC, those members over forty years of age will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting retention of younger, lower paid personnel who represent the future Air Force anyway. 3. Therefore, a program to phase out the older personnel by the end of FY97/98 via retirement will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). 4. Personnel who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to cross-train. Personnel being RAPED can request a review of their records prior to termination. This phase of the program will be called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). 5. All personnel being RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal to higher headquarters, this phase will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Follow-ups Termination). Under the guidelines to the new policy, a member may only be RAPED once or SCREWED twice, but he or she may be SHAFTED as many times as the Air Force deems appropriate. 6. Provided an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half-Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse). As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any member who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the Air Force. 7. The Air Force wishes to reassure the younger personnel remaining with the organization that they will continue to receive the best training possible through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The Air Force takes great pride in the amount of SHIT that our personnel receive. We have given our personnel more SHIT than any other branch in the Department of Defense. If anyone feels that he or she has not received his or hers fair share of SHIT, please feel free to bring it to your supervisor's attention. He or she has been instructed to ensure that all personnel receive all the SHIT that they can handle. 8. Those personnel who have been RAPED, SCREWED, and SHAFTED, and previously accepted either HERPES or CLAP but now have AIDS aren't eligible for SHIT! -- Jonathan Leffler (jleffler@xxxxxxxxxx) STSM, Informix Database Engineering, IBM Information Management 4400 N First St, San Jose, CA 95134-1257 Tel: +1 408-956-2436 Tieline: 475-2436 "I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!"
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